Author Archives: Oscar Bermeo

i woke up this morning feeling the very bad after effects of three hard whiskeys. no water, no soda, no ice– straight whiskey. thats what i like. (scotch is a close second) when i opened my eyes, i did not want to move. not at all. so, of course, i had a big sneeze comeup and it was all, ACHOO! oh sheet! ACHOO! oh sheet! ACHOO! i wanna die. (i sneeze in 3s) but i did manage to get the fuck out of bed and off to work.

last nite was pretty fun even though my ass got slaughtered in the slam. dead last in raw score. oh well, i feel pretty good about my performance and some of the things i did on stage. the judges didnt but hey- fuk em if they cant take a joke. i was still sober at that point so i can at least blame myself and not the liquor.

in prepartation i also memorized ‘Capicu’ and was ready to bust that out latah but dems the breaks. mara got some points and that made me happy especially since we were both practicing our shit like crazy and it paid off for at least one of us.

saw this interview on ESPN earlier in the day where joe namath is talking about his drinking and the big question was dropped- ‘why do you drink?’ and he says exaclty what i knew he was gonna say- ‘i dont know’ and inside i am all- ‘bullshit! you know why. even if you dont- you know what the questions you cant answer are. you just dont want to say em cuz you got no answers.’

and after what seemed like forever he says it again and i know that he was thinking of the real answer and going through the same cop out.

well either that or i know whats it like to be in that hot seat- do some fucked up shit- get caught and then just be asked for the simple answer to your problem. i’ve tried explaining it to some but it aint easy and somebody asked me if ive ever been happy- happy all by myself and with no other connections.

i told em that there was a few months in 96 i think that i was really free of everything. vision was doing great- i was busting my ass there by day and then at night i was either partying or going to strip clubs and that both were good. the strip clubs were a lil better just cuz but i was doing good at clubs. on the flip side, i was taking care of all my family.

that was some real happiness- taking the kids to a wrestling show and screaming our heads off for whoever, knowing all along that it was fake while making fun of the people that believed it was all real. yeah, man.

today, happiness is a more precious thing and it involves way too many people. the person i revealed all this happiness to heard all my stories and just came back with- ‘it sounds like you have never been really happy.’

man, i fought for those few months like mad dog and even if nobody else believes it i know what is the real deal. kinda like now. i say shit and it sometimes gets this sideways glance no matter what it is- i am happy (no youre not) i am sad (about what?) todays a good day (whatever) i just want the day to end (who cares?)

maybe this is the on set of paranioa but that would mean i care about the majority of the opinions areound me and the truth is i dont. maybe i should but ireally dont. i think ive trusted three people in my life and i kinda like it. things are getting better but there is a lot of hurt that accompanies these changes.

at the last acentos fish wanted to tell me something but noted that i was a bit drunk. he was wrong but i didnt feel like explaining that. last nite we talked a bit and i let him know- by the way, i am drunk.

it happened some time between my performance and the end of the night and it has nothing to do with how i did in the slam as much as it had to do with how i felt about my day and that was- please, let this shit be over.

i wanted the day to end on some kinda good note and i thought that maybe the slam could do that. it did. i was happy with what i did on stage but it still wasnt enough to make the day go away.

what i wanted to get away from was this image of a man that had it all and now was drkining it away. it looked a lot like me but i know that it wont be alcohol that will get me but it sure will be something.

The Friday Five

At this moment, what is your favorite…

1. …song?

–just about anything from Coldplay but “Amsterdam” is still the one that gets me the most introspective

2. …food?

—soy chips! hollee shheet! how come nobody ever told me about these suckahs before. taste just like any other chip but with 11 grams of soy protein that is, as the kids say, what’s up!

3. …tv show?

–still no tv for oh-scar but for kicks i’ll mention the food network and all the goodies they show especially anything rachael ray cooks up ;-)

4. …scent?

–uhhmm… any time a woman washes her hair… something about that particular smell, regardless of what product used, really makes me happy to be alive

5. …quote?

–“There is no birth of consciousness without pain” Dr. Carl Jung

feeling a little overwhelmed again. the other night i got to share my viewpoint on how it aint easy being up all the time. how the crash can be rough and the worst part is the spectators constantly asking- are you ok, are you ok?

the people i have gotten along with best are the ones that know when to leave me alone. it aint hard. somebody doesnt want to talk, dont talk to them. but the question pops up- are you ok?

and i answer as best i can- yeah, im all right- just dont feel like talking.

sometimes i go with my alternate answer- i just feel like listening.

its great hearing people talk about themselves and the patterns they fall into. we all have em. some are great talkers, others are great braggers, a few are neither and then there are the i dont give a fucks. they are really, really few and most notably highlighted by the fact that they constantly exclaim- i dont give a fuck- loud enough for all to hear. one of the kids in my class is like this, every time something happens- he doesnt give a fuck. hes always trying to be the class clown and goes out of his way to talk to every girl in the class but, dont get it twisted- he doesnt give a fuck.

kinda hard to get em him to care about class and how he brings the program down a notch when he feels that there isnt enough attention coming down his way when he doesnt care what happens but thats the challenge and i am trying my best to keep him in the loop without resorting to my first defense against this type of behavior- not actually caring. ya know- ya say somethting- i ignore it. since you dont care what the world thinks, then my opinion has to be that much smaller, right? like i said, its a challenge and i’m trying my best to adjust.

urbana was fun last night. really fun and not in the customary jackassery. the poetry coming down the pipe was interesting and all of it was unique to the voice of the poet. celena took the whole thing with taylor in second but the real highlight for me was watching regie cabico rip his heart out on stage for his first round poem. how he snuck in that much image, emotion, laughs, reflection and resolution into two minutes is beyond me. regie being regie, he followed that up with a one minute diatribe on wanting to get down with ashton kutcher.

i had a nice chat with him afterwards and got his thoughts on the slam, newer work, taking chances at 34 vs taking chance at age 23. i didnt realize that regie was my same age and that puts me back to a place i havent visited in a while- age vs experience.

examples:

bonafide- 25 years old but in poetry time hes been in the mix for almost eight years.

cristin- 25 but a SM since 19

then there are the richs and matts who are young and pretty young to the game

then theres me, going to be 34 this year with almost three years of experience in poetry. all poetry (other than my on the job training i have never taken a poetry class in school and havent been in school since i was 20). chilling with my age group- guy, lynne, rog and such- i sometimes wonder what would have happened if i had checked out the nuyo in 92 and where would i be now. take the lil time travel back in my head and wonder if i would have written my same poems earlier or what. its always an exercise in futility but its one of those things that keeps popping up. rog broke it down for me really well once and then i was able to let it be a thought that comes and goes rather than a lingering regret.

the coolest thing as of late has been the decision to step down as SM. i have never been really good at saying goodbye and have always opted for the slow fade rather than the quick cut. this goodbye is feeling better and better by the day. the proof will come in seeing the slam next year and how that will work out but the slam (at least at 13) is a thing alive unto itself and will continue no matter who is in charge.

so hear i am talking at air and wondering who listens. i am pretty sure who reads this though a surprise pops up here and there. honestly, i am not a fan of a lot of blogs. you can only say the same thing so many times, ya know. the cools ones are the ones that throw me a curve ball from time to time or the ones that take me to places i havent been. i started this one more to document what i see going on. (note- that was before the nyc blog craze hit though i was unaware of the slamfamily LJ circle- funny how most of nyc is entrenched in blog and the rest of the slamfam loves LJ) with everybody and their muse dropping knowledge as to what is happening- i wonder where i should take this bad boy next. maybe document some more on what is going in my education as a teacher? the road to mental health recovery? my relationship with my family, the actual blood one? theyre all hypthecticals and i am not trying to figure out what the readers want as much what i want. i just feel like the room of poetry blogs is getting a lil bit crowded and my normal reaction to that is to find the quiet corner and then just listen.

before i go any further, a big shout out to tony brown for donating the money he made on chapbooks last thursday to the reverend pedro fund. nice move.

i would LOVE to say that tony’s set kicked ass but i got there just as he finished. sources indicate that he rocked the house and i was happy to see such a strong show of support- it says a lot when mutahfuckahs brave the snow and -20 weather for your words- says a lot.

friday was the ‘Whats in a Word’ showcase and it started with disaster as jess rings me up at 6:58

j- where are you

o: in the bx

j- they are flipping out here

o: why?

j- they have you listed as the first act and they start in ten minutes

when i accepted this gig, i let the folks know that the SOONEST i could get downtown was 8:00 and they siad it was cool and know i am holding up the show! not really but i was lucky enough to get a lift down and was there by 7:40. i get in and they are all – ‘ready to go on?’

sure, i am freezing, my voice is hoarse and i am suffering from anxiety- why not?

it turned out to be a kick-ass performance and my banter was pure money.

“yeah, i have taught at rikers and to teenagers in the bronx… rikers was safer” shit like that made the set go by quick and effective.

then back to the mix on sunday, where it was poetry, snow and -20 weather and (since i am not tony brown) nobody showed up. it was cool, we were competing against a louderworkshop and factor in the $10 admission and i was curious as to why i was supporting me ;-)

this show kicked ass as well as i was really cool on the mic. the after party was ri-cok-ulous as maria invited a bunch of us over and we ate like mad dogs.

trivial pursuit followed and lasted till 4am, anything else i say will sound WAY to inside but all you need to know is that the fun went on till 4am

three hours before i had to be up for work!

i first started coming to open mics to get some kind of feedback about my work. more than applause or slam scores, it would be the approval of a select few that i would be wanting.

if i nailed the poem- then some nice commentary would come my way.

if i didnt- then i expected polite silence.

sometimes, i’ve pushed the envelope and tried to get some negative commentary by delving into non-PC topics.

i know the above is some shallow shit and the immediate response is ‘dont worry what others think’/’be on stage for you’/’answer only to your heart’… i know it all cuz its the advice i give to others.

last night- i read ‘Getting Ronald Reagan to Visit the South Bronx’ (the greatest title i have yet to dream up for any of my pieces) and when i got off stage- i could care less what ‘my select few’ thought. it was a great moment of being really free of my own constraints and, as things turn out in life, one of the select few made it a point to comlpiment me on the new work. others gave me the polite silence and some the ‘not bad’ and they all felt the same.

‘Ronald Reagan’ is a short piece and i am going to have to REALLY look at it soon and see what else i can do to make it more impactful while NOT trying to turn it into a three-mintue job.

things- they’re a changing