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dont get it twisted- i love the snow. always have. i remember the blizzard of 78 and how we had a mountain of snow that we would get all ghetto on and slide down it using crushed cardboard boxes as sleighs (the real fly had milk crates as sleighs!). back then you could count on a snow storm or two in december and then the snow would stick around till about march.

the last few years in nyc, the pattern has been different- snow blizzrd, three days of heat, rain- all gone… rinse, lather, repeat. this year we finally have the snow sticking and, of course, mofos have no idea how to clean the sidewalks. as such i have almost busted my ass a good three times at the gas station by my job.

last year, the threat of a snow storm kept folks away from the ‘lil bit louder’ anniversary jam so when i heard that there would be 100% chance of snow, i was afraid for acentos and wanted to make sure that at least the cabal and raina would be there… that way at least we could have a workshop or something ;-)

numbers say it pretty well- 19 person open mic. that equals to almost 40 heads in attendance. not bad, not bad, at all. the mic was diverse and not everything was my cup of tea but thats what its all about- ya dont have to like everything up there and i would probably get more scared if everything started to sound the same. ‘the inner circle’ is staying pretty consistent but theres always room for one more.

alcohol check- no drinks during the show, a post event corona cuz i was really thirsty and a ‘blue ox shot’ on the house… not bad.

raina leon is well on her way to getting published but more importantly, she puts mad love into her work and it pays in her performance. her central theme was family and you could tell that shes got mad love for dem. i look forward to hearing her more often and i hope that if there is some other person running a mic out there reading this– book her!

introspective moment- this one kid, daffy, took the mic and he was SO excited to be up there but more importantly- his support system was all in his corner and living and dying with every word he put out there. i was feelin that and it was cool to just observe that.

insider moment- Main Entry: ca·den·za

Pronunciation: k&-‘den-z&

Function: noun

Etymology: Italian, cadence, cadenza

1 : a parenthetical flourish in an aria or other solo piece commonly just before a final or other important cadence

2 : a technically brilliant sometimes improvised solo passage toward the close of a concerto

3 : an exceptionally brilliant part of an artistic work

(ah, jess, my lil diva)

other moments- mc keeps getting better & better (btw, the girl that told him he should remane the piece ‘panty dropper’ was mad cute… go matt! go mattt!). MR will be a force very soon. five minutes means different things to different people. we still need more woman on the mic. we have been able to get some respect from nyc’s finest/bravest– well, at least they know when to leave. i am pretty happy with things and thats good enough for me.

i woke up this morning feeling the very bad after effects of three hard whiskeys. no water, no soda, no ice– straight whiskey. thats what i like. (scotch is a close second) when i opened my eyes, i did not want to move. not at all. so, of course, i had a big sneeze comeup and it was all, ACHOO! oh sheet! ACHOO! oh sheet! ACHOO! i wanna die. (i sneeze in 3s) but i did manage to get the fuck out of bed and off to work.

last nite was pretty fun even though my ass got slaughtered in the slam. dead last in raw score. oh well, i feel pretty good about my performance and some of the things i did on stage. the judges didnt but hey- fuk em if they cant take a joke. i was still sober at that point so i can at least blame myself and not the liquor.

in prepartation i also memorized ‘Capicu’ and was ready to bust that out latah but dems the breaks. mara got some points and that made me happy especially since we were both practicing our shit like crazy and it paid off for at least one of us.

saw this interview on ESPN earlier in the day where joe namath is talking about his drinking and the big question was dropped- ‘why do you drink?’ and he says exaclty what i knew he was gonna say- ‘i dont know’ and inside i am all- ‘bullshit! you know why. even if you dont- you know what the questions you cant answer are. you just dont want to say em cuz you got no answers.’

and after what seemed like forever he says it again and i know that he was thinking of the real answer and going through the same cop out.

well either that or i know whats it like to be in that hot seat- do some fucked up shit- get caught and then just be asked for the simple answer to your problem. i’ve tried explaining it to some but it aint easy and somebody asked me if ive ever been happy- happy all by myself and with no other connections.

i told em that there was a few months in 96 i think that i was really free of everything. vision was doing great- i was busting my ass there by day and then at night i was either partying or going to strip clubs and that both were good. the strip clubs were a lil better just cuz but i was doing good at clubs. on the flip side, i was taking care of all my family.

that was some real happiness- taking the kids to a wrestling show and screaming our heads off for whoever, knowing all along that it was fake while making fun of the people that believed it was all real. yeah, man.

today, happiness is a more precious thing and it involves way too many people. the person i revealed all this happiness to heard all my stories and just came back with- ‘it sounds like you have never been really happy.’

man, i fought for those few months like mad dog and even if nobody else believes it i know what is the real deal. kinda like now. i say shit and it sometimes gets this sideways glance no matter what it is- i am happy (no youre not) i am sad (about what?) todays a good day (whatever) i just want the day to end (who cares?)

maybe this is the on set of paranioa but that would mean i care about the majority of the opinions areound me and the truth is i dont. maybe i should but ireally dont. i think ive trusted three people in my life and i kinda like it. things are getting better but there is a lot of hurt that accompanies these changes.

at the last acentos fish wanted to tell me something but noted that i was a bit drunk. he was wrong but i didnt feel like explaining that. last nite we talked a bit and i let him know- by the way, i am drunk.

it happened some time between my performance and the end of the night and it has nothing to do with how i did in the slam as much as it had to do with how i felt about my day and that was- please, let this shit be over.

i wanted the day to end on some kinda good note and i thought that maybe the slam could do that. it did. i was happy with what i did on stage but it still wasnt enough to make the day go away.

what i wanted to get away from was this image of a man that had it all and now was drkining it away. it looked a lot like me but i know that it wont be alcohol that will get me but it sure will be something.

The Friday Five

At this moment, what is your favorite…

1. …song?

–just about anything from Coldplay but “Amsterdam” is still the one that gets me the most introspective

2. …food?

—soy chips! hollee shheet! how come nobody ever told me about these suckahs before. taste just like any other chip but with 11 grams of soy protein that is, as the kids say, what’s up!

3. …tv show?

–still no tv for oh-scar but for kicks i’ll mention the food network and all the goodies they show especially anything rachael ray cooks up ;-)

4. …scent?

–uhhmm… any time a woman washes her hair… something about that particular smell, regardless of what product used, really makes me happy to be alive

5. …quote?

–“There is no birth of consciousness without pain” Dr. Carl Jung