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feeling a little overwhelmed again. the other night i got to share my viewpoint on how it aint easy being up all the time. how the crash can be rough and the worst part is the spectators constantly asking- are you ok, are you ok?

the people i have gotten along with best are the ones that know when to leave me alone. it aint hard. somebody doesnt want to talk, dont talk to them. but the question pops up- are you ok?

and i answer as best i can- yeah, im all right- just dont feel like talking.

sometimes i go with my alternate answer- i just feel like listening.

its great hearing people talk about themselves and the patterns they fall into. we all have em. some are great talkers, others are great braggers, a few are neither and then there are the i dont give a fucks. they are really, really few and most notably highlighted by the fact that they constantly exclaim- i dont give a fuck- loud enough for all to hear. one of the kids in my class is like this, every time something happens- he doesnt give a fuck. hes always trying to be the class clown and goes out of his way to talk to every girl in the class but, dont get it twisted- he doesnt give a fuck.

kinda hard to get em him to care about class and how he brings the program down a notch when he feels that there isnt enough attention coming down his way when he doesnt care what happens but thats the challenge and i am trying my best to keep him in the loop without resorting to my first defense against this type of behavior- not actually caring. ya know- ya say somethting- i ignore it. since you dont care what the world thinks, then my opinion has to be that much smaller, right? like i said, its a challenge and i’m trying my best to adjust.

urbana was fun last night. really fun and not in the customary jackassery. the poetry coming down the pipe was interesting and all of it was unique to the voice of the poet. celena took the whole thing with taylor in second but the real highlight for me was watching regie cabico rip his heart out on stage for his first round poem. how he snuck in that much image, emotion, laughs, reflection and resolution into two minutes is beyond me. regie being regie, he followed that up with a one minute diatribe on wanting to get down with ashton kutcher.

i had a nice chat with him afterwards and got his thoughts on the slam, newer work, taking chances at 34 vs taking chance at age 23. i didnt realize that regie was my same age and that puts me back to a place i havent visited in a while- age vs experience.

examples:

bonafide- 25 years old but in poetry time hes been in the mix for almost eight years.

cristin- 25 but a SM since 19

then there are the richs and matts who are young and pretty young to the game

then theres me, going to be 34 this year with almost three years of experience in poetry. all poetry (other than my on the job training i have never taken a poetry class in school and havent been in school since i was 20). chilling with my age group- guy, lynne, rog and such- i sometimes wonder what would have happened if i had checked out the nuyo in 92 and where would i be now. take the lil time travel back in my head and wonder if i would have written my same poems earlier or what. its always an exercise in futility but its one of those things that keeps popping up. rog broke it down for me really well once and then i was able to let it be a thought that comes and goes rather than a lingering regret.

the coolest thing as of late has been the decision to step down as SM. i have never been really good at saying goodbye and have always opted for the slow fade rather than the quick cut. this goodbye is feeling better and better by the day. the proof will come in seeing the slam next year and how that will work out but the slam (at least at 13) is a thing alive unto itself and will continue no matter who is in charge.

so hear i am talking at air and wondering who listens. i am pretty sure who reads this though a surprise pops up here and there. honestly, i am not a fan of a lot of blogs. you can only say the same thing so many times, ya know. the cools ones are the ones that throw me a curve ball from time to time or the ones that take me to places i havent been. i started this one more to document what i see going on. (note- that was before the nyc blog craze hit though i was unaware of the slamfamily LJ circle- funny how most of nyc is entrenched in blog and the rest of the slamfam loves LJ) with everybody and their muse dropping knowledge as to what is happening- i wonder where i should take this bad boy next. maybe document some more on what is going in my education as a teacher? the road to mental health recovery? my relationship with my family, the actual blood one? theyre all hypthecticals and i am not trying to figure out what the readers want as much what i want. i just feel like the room of poetry blogs is getting a lil bit crowded and my normal reaction to that is to find the quiet corner and then just listen.

before i go any further, a big shout out to tony brown for donating the money he made on chapbooks last thursday to the reverend pedro fund. nice move.

i would LOVE to say that tony’s set kicked ass but i got there just as he finished. sources indicate that he rocked the house and i was happy to see such a strong show of support- it says a lot when mutahfuckahs brave the snow and -20 weather for your words- says a lot.

friday was the ‘Whats in a Word’ showcase and it started with disaster as jess rings me up at 6:58

j- where are you

o: in the bx

j- they are flipping out here

o: why?

j- they have you listed as the first act and they start in ten minutes

when i accepted this gig, i let the folks know that the SOONEST i could get downtown was 8:00 and they siad it was cool and know i am holding up the show! not really but i was lucky enough to get a lift down and was there by 7:40. i get in and they are all – ‘ready to go on?’

sure, i am freezing, my voice is hoarse and i am suffering from anxiety- why not?

it turned out to be a kick-ass performance and my banter was pure money.

“yeah, i have taught at rikers and to teenagers in the bronx… rikers was safer” shit like that made the set go by quick and effective.

then back to the mix on sunday, where it was poetry, snow and -20 weather and (since i am not tony brown) nobody showed up. it was cool, we were competing against a louderworkshop and factor in the $10 admission and i was curious as to why i was supporting me ;-)

this show kicked ass as well as i was really cool on the mic. the after party was ri-cok-ulous as maria invited a bunch of us over and we ate like mad dogs.

trivial pursuit followed and lasted till 4am, anything else i say will sound WAY to inside but all you need to know is that the fun went on till 4am

three hours before i had to be up for work!

i first started coming to open mics to get some kind of feedback about my work. more than applause or slam scores, it would be the approval of a select few that i would be wanting.

if i nailed the poem- then some nice commentary would come my way.

if i didnt- then i expected polite silence.

sometimes, i’ve pushed the envelope and tried to get some negative commentary by delving into non-PC topics.

i know the above is some shallow shit and the immediate response is ‘dont worry what others think’/’be on stage for you’/’answer only to your heart’… i know it all cuz its the advice i give to others.

last night- i read ‘Getting Ronald Reagan to Visit the South Bronx’ (the greatest title i have yet to dream up for any of my pieces) and when i got off stage- i could care less what ‘my select few’ thought. it was a great moment of being really free of my own constraints and, as things turn out in life, one of the select few made it a point to comlpiment me on the new work. others gave me the polite silence and some the ‘not bad’ and they all felt the same.

‘Ronald Reagan’ is a short piece and i am going to have to REALLY look at it soon and see what else i can do to make it more impactful while NOT trying to turn it into a three-mintue job.

things- they’re a changing

I thought it would be a bit more in-depth but it was all I could really put together-

and that’s about that.

There is a lot on the plate right now and I knew that sooner or later something was going to have to get cut. I don’t feel that bad about it because it’s really hard to effect change on a format without being able to control the booking and I have never aspired to control the book at 13.

I have done what I wanted to do when the season began- get newer voices to go out for the slam. The crop for this year’s semi is mad strong AND we haven’t even hit the “Oh Shit! There are only three slams left!!” point that has mofos scrambling for a spot. It will be interesting, to say the least, when that happens and I am sure that some folks that I would like to see in semis will get cut but that’s the nature of the beast.

I can also look back at a Survivor Slam that was kinda what I wanted but a few snags brought the high down for me, a really cool 1-2-3 Slam and, of course, the louderCHAMP tourney which went off without a hitch.

Nationals was a mixed bag as my head space was all fucked up but I was able to pull the performance of my life and managed to bag 3rd at the SM Slam. Truth to tell, I was the happy recipient of the Slam god’s smile cuz if I had drawn first- I woulda been toast AND

since every thing in Chi-Town closes at like 2am, they cut the Slam to only 20 or so SMs- so it was between me and 12 or so other SMs waiting to get called in the last slot. A HUGE shout out to all the supporters that showed up and stuck around to root me on… I was performing for all of y’all and was happy to represent all of you on that stage.

The Scene is this- I have yelled my ass off at 13’s last bout and haven’t really spoken for the last half-hour before they called me which means that when I hit the mic it sounds like the love child of Froggy of ‘Our Gang’ and Kathleen Turrner. Third place in a big Slam like that aint bad and I’ve been able to work it into the artistic resume in a really nice way.

The high placing gave me some good confidence going into the SM meeting the next morning (Hey! Nice Job!! Good poem!!! blah… blah… blah…) and I was able to speak up on some hit that was on my mind and continued the tradition the next day at the SlamFamily meeting. This leads to one of my regrets as SM and that is thinking I could make some kinda difference in the PSi structure. All those before me told me it was an uphill battle and they were right- I can’t help but think that if my head was better I coulda done some more but that’s that now…

When I took this job it was with the understanding that I would be apprenticed under Marty and I learned a thing or two with her but when Guy came back was when I got the REAL education on how this bad boy works. I picked up more than my share of tricks from the LeCharles bag and they all paid off this last year. I am not sure what extra I can pass on to the next SM and I have no idea who that person is right now but these things have a way of fixing themselves.

End the SM chapter.

I just finished writing two of the most dumbest posts ever that are just trying to say that I had a blast hosting the last Acentos and am very proud of our poets and audience.

There is a part of me that wants it to stay at the Blue Ox forever because I am not out to deal with all these faces that come by for the spectacle and don’t care about the process.

Large crowd- Yay! Small crowd of intense listeners- HELL YEAH!

Ya know?

The thrill of the inaugural 2004 show is over and done with and I am looking forward to hearing Raina Leon’s set on the 27th and more interested to see who sticks around to hear it all.